By Mason Gehring
It’s still hard. I’ve been making art, meditating, going to therapy, creating visualizations, talking to my loved ones about my mental and physical health but this is all still hard. It’s almost the year anniversary to when I had the seizure that put me in the hospital. And now I’m having stress dreams about it and considering I may have PTSD. I’m so grateful I have work and projects to complete but I’m still not scheduling enough “me” time to be dealing with my emotional and mental state. My life is centered around creative projects but it does not relieve all stress like creating for myself does. I’ve been pushing for so long to have this life of creativity but still needing to find that balance of work and myself.
To me, that’s been the big eye opening understanding from my seizure is to manage stress and really listen to my body. I’m still learning this. I had envisioned my year anniversary with a party, a cake saying “1 YEAR SEIZURE FREE!, balloons, etc. But right now I’m afraid I won’t make it. The fear of having one and ruining my track record is haunting me. If I have one, it all gets set back to square one with looking at my meds, finding new ones, no driving, and reevaluating what’s working, what’s not. It’s so many doctor appointments and money and scrutiny that I dread facing. I’m working on facing this fear because this is the rest of my life. I can’t hold on to this any longer because this is not living.
Image above: Trapped, Acrylic on canvas, 16″ x 20″, 2020
When I Die…, Acrylic on Canvas, 20″ x 16″, 2020
MRI Dream, Acrylic on canvas, 16″ x 20″, 2020