I created this piece for my mother in the spring of 2023.
I am so grateful that I have a place to put all of these feelings I have. That I have a way to process what I am going through – the good, the bad, and the ugly. That I have been trained to track sensation which helps me track my emotions which… helps me.
When my mother died, I felt like I was drowning. I couldn’t make sense of it, you know? My brain could, but the rest of me was like, “yep. no. i’ll catch up with you in a bit. maybe.” It’s not like we get to practice dealing with staggering loss – it’s part of what makes it staggering, I guess.
What do you do with all of that? What do I do with all of that?
I started writing every memory down. The hard ones and the wonderful ones. A list on notes. I placed so much importance on each of those memories, as if they were actually her. What if I forgot? Would I be losing her again and again? I was looking so closely. Trying to get all the details and facts right. Writing it all down.
But the scrutiny doesn’t serve me so well. I work best with a soft focus – more diffuse than pin-pointed – that way I can pay more attention to what is lying beneath the surface.
I don’t really want to say any more about this piece – I hope that you will simply take it as it is – it is an excerpt – I can see my mom in it.
In loving memory of Yon Ja Scott